And, I am sorry, but in light of technological advances, we also need to teach our teens how to put their fucking cell phone down.

Jesus H. Christ.

I went to a play last night at the high school. Lemon went, too, but she went with a friend and was sitting several rows in front of us.  We didn’t have a kid in the play, although several kids we’ve known since they were wee and others we know more recently were in the show, and we were excited to see them.  We were also excited to just sit back and enjoy the production, because the school is known for putting on a good show.

We aren’t too picky about our seats, but we do know that when going to a high school show, it’s best not to sit in the back because that’s where groups of teens sit together and pretty much do NOT watch the show.  So we found a seat in the middle of the auditorium, and were mostly surrounded by adults.  Including the director of the show, who was directly in front of us.

Just before the show started, two little chippy girls climbed over the back of the seats next to us and plopped themselves down.  Of course, we would have let them in, had they asked, but I guess climbing was fun. They chittered and chattered, and the one right next to me kicked me a couple of times.  She also yelled ‘STEEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEEEE!!!” to a boy (I’m guessing he was named Steve) across the aisle from us.  This happened very close to my ear.  I gave her a dirty look, but she was too busy grinning at Steve to notice.

I feel I need to say – I’m not a curmudgeon.  I’m not too old to understand the pull of technology.  While we waited for the lights to go down, I was playing Temple Run on my iPhone and texting with Mouse. But when the lights went down and they (one of my favorite 10th graders, actually) told us to turn our cell phones off – and explained that cell phone use and texting is distracting for others in the audience – I turned my cell phone off and put it away.  Imagine?

The 16yo next to me did not turn her phone off.  She dimmed the screen.  And proceeded to text throughout the entire show.  I think she was texting STEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEE because she would often crane her neck to look across the aisle and laugh in reaction to her latest text.

She took some breaks from texting.  In order to talk to the friend she was sitting next to.  Not whisper, but TALK.  And laugh.  The director of the show turned around 3 times to shush them. They didn’t notice, though – because they were laughing and talking too loud.

I kept thinking about saying something. Alongside my fantasies of “dude, you have been talking and texting through the entire show, why don’t you just leave?” was the fantasy of my daughters’ faces contorting in horror. But there came a point somewhere around the midpoint of the show when the chick switched from text to Facebook on her phone that my tongue was no longer controlled by my thoughts of devastated daughters:

“When they said that using your cell phone during the show was distracting to the people around you – they weren’t kidding.  It’s not a matter of ‘getting caught,’ it’s a matter of being respectful to the people around you.”

And the look of devastation ended up a reality. The girl looked at me in complete surprise and simultaneous horror, and shrunk in her seat.

But after that, she didn’t text once. She fondled her phone a good bit, but didn’t activate it.  She did still talk to her friend, but only in whispers (certainly about me).

I wish I said something sooner, because it was only after I did say something that I could enjoy the show.

I spoke to my girls afterward.  Lemon assured me she would NEVER use her phone in a show, and I believe her.

A few weeks ago, Lemon and I went to NYC to see How to Succeed in Business on Broadway.  It was her birthday gift (back in September).  We had to go in January, though, because that’s when Darren Criss was performing. She was horrified at the behavior of some of her contemporaries. She was upset with people for talking, for yelling out during the show, for breaking the rules and taking photos, for texting, and for leaving early so they could rush the stage door.

And Mouse is perfectly capable of leaving her cell phone behind when she’s going to a movie or a show (sometimes it infuriates me, because I can’t reach her if I’m not with her).

But I certainly took this opportunity to reinforce to them that it is RUDE. That when they are at a show, they are not the only people in the audience.  If they don’t want to focus on the show, then they shouldn’t be there.

I guess, really, this has nothing to do with technology or cell phones, but just simple respect and appropriate behavior. The girl proved with her laughing and talking as if she were in the cafeteria at lunch time that it didn’t require a cell phone for her to be disrespectful and rude.

Hopefully my comment to her will save future audience members from having to endure this almost-woman’s wretched behavior.

On our one full day, we got up early and had breakfast at the B&B.  Then we grabbed coats (that we didn’t need, because it was 55 or so, despite being December) and hopped in the car for our day exploring the entire island, rather than just the towns.

We started out in Menemsha, which is where Mouse spent her time when she vacationed with friends, and where at least some of Jaws was filmed:

There was a fish market there that was known for its clam chowder, and I really wanted some, but we were there too early.  So we had to move on and go around the island to the Aquinnah area.  We enjoyed some overlook views and then went for a very long and very rocky walk on the beach.  I was not wearing the right shoes:

One of the things about the beach there is the natural clay, to wit:

Here is the cliff’s worth:

And here’s a shot of a funky little crevice in the clay:

It was tough, but we avoided applying the clay to our bodies.  (heh)

Then, because he loves me and it was my birthday, David drove me back to Menemsha for my clam chowder.

Some sites along the road:

The chowder was delicious. It was worth the zigzag. After the chowder, we drove to South Beach, not far from Edgartown.  This was my favorite beach, and if I one day win that lottery, I will buy me a house near THIS beach.  Even though I’m told it looks nothing like this during the summer, but is instead wall-to-wall people.  I don’t care:

And then, finally, we started to get chilly.  After the entire day of walking on beaches and hanging out outside, we didn’t need a sweater or a coat until 4 p.m.  First time ever for my birthday to be that warm, I’m sure.

And then our funny story of the day:

We to Edgartown for a little bit, because we’d missed a couple of shops before they closed the day before, due to early off-season closing times. We were alone in one of the shops, looking at some wallets, one of which I knew that Mouse wanted, when the door went ding-ding-ding.  An older couple walked in – a polo-clad 60-something man and his fur-drenched wife.  I did a double take and said, “Judge ______?!??!!”  It was the judge I’d worked with during my first summer of law school and his wife.  Very surreal and odd (especially when you think that my true FIRST visit to the Vineyard was the time that I flew there in this judge’s prop plane — I even got to fly for most of the trip.  It was a lot of fun).

He of course was asking me about work and practice and the Big/Old Firm, and I was just about a week out from the lay off news.  I pretended that it hadn’t happened. We just caught up in general. Still, who would have thought?

That night, David went to a more casual restaurant.  I had some oysters, and we had – other food.  I think burgers.  I know it was good, but it wasn’t like the night before.

For our last morning, we got up and did some shell-combing on the beach across the street from our hotel . . .

. . . and headed back to the ferry, relaxed and ready to delve back into our school play.  (Which I plan to be the topic of my next post, but we’ll see.  This series has been exhausting!)

We were on a 10 a.m. ferry, and it took about an hour and a half to drive down to Woods Hole, where the ferry leaves from.  It was the first time we’d put our car on a ferry, and so that was not boring.  It was a nice quick ride across the water. When we got to the island, we were a little early to check in at the hotel – a sweet bed and breakfast right across the street from the ocean in Oak Bluffs. So we left the car at the inn and walked into town.  There wasn’t a ton open, but the weather was nice, and we enjoyed the walk.  We ended up having lunch at the same restaurant that we had breakfast/brunch at the last time we were on the island – Slice of Life.

The one other time that we’d been was a bit of a last-minute decision.  Mouse was going with a friend for a long weekend (a portion of her friend’s 2 week vacation), and we had to drive her to the ferry.  We had thought about going onto the island at the same time, but she complained.  This was her trip.  We rolled our eyes, but said fine.  Yet, once we’d driven the 1.5 hours to Woods Hole, we told her we were leaving, waved goodbye as her ferry left, and then bought tickets to the next ferry.  It was a warm June day, and we had nothing with us.  We wandered the town of Oak  Bluffs (where our ferry landed), and then took a bus to Vineyard Haven, and then another bus to Edgartown (those are the three large towns on the island).  All three towns were fine.  But I was jealous of the cars full of towels and beach chairs. I wanted to go see the lighthouse.  I wanted to rent a bike. I wanted to look at a house’s window at the water.

Other than my discontent at not having a house to stay in and beach gear to utilize, we had a good day. Including our breakfast at Slice of Life.  So we were happy to see it was open again.

By the time we ate lunch and got checked into our hotel, it was going on 3, and because it was December, that meant we knew it would be dark soon.  So for the rest of that day, we ended up replicating our first day.  We revisited the spots and shops we remembered from the first trip in all three towns.  We also did some investigation into restaurants.

My friend who goes every summer (who Mouse went with that time 2 years ago) had given me a list of restaurants to check out, sure that at least one of them would be open in the off-season.  None of them were.  So we did our own research into the available options – there were plenty.  There was one menu that jumped out at me, because it had a really solid range of food.   I wanted a nice dinner because this was our big birthday dinner.  We had brought nice clothes, so were equipped to go as fancy as we could. The menu I liked included a range from the fancy to the quick lunch, but what I really liked about it was that it had a “Chef’s Tasting Menu” option.  David was a little less sure, and he also was drawn to a super-fancy French restaurant.

After we had our short list of restaurant choices, we checked them out in person as we went through the towns.  His first choice ended up looking a bit bland, and full of grey and blue-haired folk.  We ended up crossing it off the list, and ultimately deciding to go with the one I liked:  Zephrus, which was in the Mansion House Inn in Vineyard Haven.

The menu had a lot that looked good, but I really wanted to try the tasting menu.  David was a little hesitant, because he was afraid we’d end up with something gross.  (The on-line menu has changed since, so I can’t really share. Sorry.)  We looked at the menu to see if there was anything we’d be unhappy to eat.  The only thing was the fois gras.  Everything else looked great.  But I shut my mouth and let David decide, reminding myself this was his 50th trip.

But he decided to go for it.

Oh My God.

The Tasting Menu was 5 courses, one of which would be dessert.  The chef doesn’t let you partake in the exercise unless everyone at the table is on board.  We were told that our dishes may or may not come from the existing menu – he may make something up on the fly.

Now, I’m sorry to say we didn’t get with the program and start taking photos of the courses from the start, so I do not have a photo of the first course, which was a sweet potato gnocchi with spinach, garlic and some yummy cheese.  I was in heaven.  We both had been a little nervous, not knowing what the heck was coming, and we were both giddy with this first dish.  Sweet potato and spinach are both favorites of mine, and so I was over the moon.

Our second course:

Balsamic braised bay scallops and asparagus over mashed potatoes. This was more David’s dish. Scallops are a huge favorite of his, although asparagus is another favorite of mine, and so were the mashed potatoes.  Again – this was cooked to absolute perfection.

Third course was a salad – but not just any salad – it was a roasted beet salad with gorgonzola and parsley:

(Beets are yet another of my very favorite foods . . . )

We remained giddy, and the chef and the waiter were getting a kick out of our enthusiasm.  After the beet salad, David said, “well, the only way this can get any better is if we get steak for our main course.”  But when the waiter re-set our places after the salad, he didn’t bring steak knives, so we figured we were in for a fish, or something else.

Our 4th Course:

Oh, what’s that?  Filet Mignon over a truffle risotto?  Oh, wait – what’s that?  Risotto, rare steak and truffle are all some of Suzie’s to-die-for foods?  Really??

The waiter chuckled and said, “I didn’t want you to guess, so I didn’t bring your steak knives ahead of time!” as he handed us our steak knives.

For the first few years that David and I spent our birthdays together, we hadn’t yet figured out how to do this “two birthdays in a row” thing, and so we made cakes back-to-back, one for each birthday.  Mine was spice cake, his was German Chocolate.

So what was the 5th course?

That, right there, is the last bite of spice cake.  (That’s a coffee ice cream, and I really wasn’t a fan — not to mention stuffed!)  And so that we had a bit more fun, they brought us different desserts – here’s the second:

A yummy cobbler.

The desserts, frankly, weren’t my favorites.  But I don’t think of myself as a dessert person, as a rule.  Of course there are things I love, but I’m not always ready for a piece of cake.  Also, I’m never a “dessert in a restaurant” person.  I will refuse dessert until after a walk every time.  I’d prefer a solid walk and then a chocolate bar (preferably high quality) or some ice cream. Sometimes, I’d prefer an after-dinner drink to a dessert.  So, the fact that I wasn’t head over heels over the desserts didn’t mean a thing.

David and I both were on cloud 9 after that meal.  We felt like it was really our best meal EVER.  We agreed that there was something to be said for the surprise element – we had no idea what was coming, so we couldn’t have preconceived notions about how it should taste or look or be cooked.  Even putting that psychology aside, though, this food was amazing.

We had gone out to a nice dinner for Thanksgiving, a couple of weeks before this, where we had much less food for the same price.  Hands down, this tasting menu was better than the Thanksgiving meal.  Maybe one of our New Orleans meals 2 years ago (specifically, the one at Emeril Lagasse’s NOLA) came close to this meal.  But, it’s a little doubtful.  It’s probably obvious how awesome this was, since I can still write about it 2 months later with some pretty impressive enthusiasm!

We highly recommend not only Zephrus, if you find yourself on Martha’s Vineyard, but specifically the Chef’s tasting menu.  We went with the 5 course option (I think it was $65/person, but we know it wasn’t more than $85/person — we do know that with drinks and tip the total check came to $227.  Thanks to Mint.com), but there was also a less expensive 3 course option, which did not include dessert.

I think the next time we come across the option of  Chef’s tasting menu, we will take it.  It was really so amazing.

I received confirmation from the firm today that my vacation pay will be significant (almost $10K), and since it was vacation untaken, I will use it for some corresponding fun:

1. A new computer.  I bought my laptop (the standard MacBook, which is now obsolete) while I was in law school (I seriously just typed high school . . . that would have been funny).  I wasn’t so easy on it during those years, and since then it’s been through a lot.  David was laughing that when I bring it in to have the Genius Bar Folks transfer the data onto my new MacBook Pro, they will marvel at the dinosaur.  I told Mouse today that I bought a new computer and she said, “good – it’s making so much noise, I’m afraid to sit near it.  And it keeps FLASHING!!”
2. A vacation.  Like I said – I’m replacing that Outer Banks trip if it kills me (watch, it really will).  We’ll go in June.  It will be awesome.

I’m also working on closing out my benefits at Old Firm.  We have dental appointments, eye appointments, etc.  Today Lemon went to the dentist, and she was none too happy about it.  She has a small filling and has to go back in a month to take care of that.  In the meantime, I was wrestling with the dentist’s assistant to get receipts in the proper form so I can get the services paid for by my health care savings account.  Next up is the orthodontist.  Ugh.  I’m trying so hard not to leave any money in that account, but I’m going to be up against the wire on getting verifications submitted.

David and I recently starting using Mint.com, and we’re loving it.  It’s very fun to see what we spend money on.  It’s part of what led to my One-Month-Goals, because I saw where we were hemorrhaging – which was almost all because of ME and MY spending habits.  Today, David filled up the car and was a little excited that we’d get to see the gas budget increase (because it will justify his whining about it, even though the numbers don’t match up with his complaints about how much money he pours into the car), and then he chastised me:  I bought the girls some chocolate at CVS, and he was picking on me for disguising clearly  unnecessary spending under the umbrella of “personal hygiene” (which we have all CVS/Walgreens purchases categorized as). Heh.

And that was our day.  I did avoid feeding my Parenthood addiction so far, but I’m sure I won’t end the day with that success rate.

But there are at least a few things that happened in the past few months that I never had a chance to blog about. I had every intention, but didn’t find the time, and then it felt too far away.  But I’m going to go back anyway.

Back in December, in the aftermath of the lay off news, I was seriously wrestling with whether or not to cancel a planned surprise birthday trip for David.

I’m sure he won’t mind me saying (ha!), but on December 5th, David turned 50.  (Right after I turned 39 on December 4th.)   Of course, we knew this milestone year was coming for quite some time.  I have been saying at least since I was 37 that I want a party for my 40th.  I want us to rent a space and have a BIG party.  Not hundreds big, but 50-big (and that won’t fit in our apartment).  David it’s a “have a party to celebrate ME!” kind of person, but he is a “I want to travel the world!” kind of person, so we always said, a trip for his 50th, a party for my 40th.

As the year/fall came together, I knew I couldn’t pull off the ideal trip (Europe) for his actual birthday.  Not only is it in the middle of an intense time of the school year, but it’s also the weekend before the 7th/8th grade musical at Mouse’s school.  The musical that I produce and for which he runs the lights. We couldn’t go away for much more than a weekend.

I considered doing a Europe trip around Christmas-time, but wasn’t sure I could swing it, financially.  Then the Ex swapped Christmas for Thanksgiving, so we had the girls for Christmas, and we definitely couldn’t afford 4 to Europe. Then the job got shaky, so any of hope of swinging it was dashed.

But I wanted to do something.

He’d been talking for some time about how it would be really cool to be on Martha’s Vineyard during a storm.  We are more wintry weather people than summer weather people, and I thought this could be something that would be a good get-away without breaking the bank.  I checked in with my co-producer back in September, got the okay to disappear for the final weekend of the show, and started making quiet plans.

I checked out the ferry (I wanted to take our car over – the last and only time we’d been to the Vineyard, we went for the day, without the car, and I didn’t think it worked to be there without a car), I checked out off-season hotels.  Prices were great ($100/night, instead of $400/night during peak).  I did enough research to know that we wouldn’t be without any amenities in the winter.  Getting the kids taken care of was tougher – I had talked to my mom, and while she wanted to come and help, she was a little stuck because she was taking time off to come see Mouse’s play the very next weekend.  And my plans REQUIRED us to be gone into Monday, because his birthday was Monday.  If we came home on Sunday – my birthday – then it would feel like I got the trip for his 50th birthday.  Probably weird, but the truth.  It was fine, though, because I instantly had 3 friends raising hands and offering to take the girls.  (As it turns out, my co-producer not only shouldered the play for the weekend, but she also took Mouse in!)

I had fun thinking about how I would surprise him.  Would I tell him the night before “I have plans for us tomorrow, we’re getting up early – no questions asked.”  If anyone did that to me, I’d be pissed, and would never sleep the night before.  I HATE surprises.  But he’s not me.  He loves surprises.  And how would I get him to have his stuff?  I could pack him a bag, but again, if anyone did that for me, I’d be pissed (and my laundry wouldn’t be done, so they wouldn’t be able to get my favorite clothes, and it would suck).  I could tell him we’re going away for the weekend, and not tell him where, but that would be less fun.

In the end, I got laid off, instead.  We were facing a huge unknown about whether we’d end up with no income at the end of February, or if I’d end up taking a 75% pay cut, or what was going to happen.  The trip felt . . . wrong.  But I also couldn’t let go of it.  I couldn’t think of a single thing that I could do for his 50th that wouldn’t (a) suck, or (b) rival the cost of the weekend.  And I got kind of upset about it.

Because of our situation, I felt that I couldn’t just up & go with the plan without involving David in the financial decision-making.  And at some point in the lay off aftermath, I came clean with my plans.  He liked the idea, but didn’t think we could afford it, and that it wouldn’t be wise.

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend, we started some Christmas shopping for the girlios.  We had a fun day out on Small Business Saturday, and ended up at one of our favorite restaurants in town.  The gift-buying had me thinking about and stressing about his birthday.  I’d ask him what he wanted, and he’d say something like, “Oh, I’d really like a striped hat.”  Or, “I do need a new winter coat.” And I was so frustrated.  It was his 50th.  It was a big deal.  He wasn’t getting a fucking hat.

By the time we were at the restaurant, I was all worked up.  I brought up the weekend again.  He again pushed back.  And then, really not in Suzie-style, I started to cry.  In the restaurant.  I just cried and cried.  His eyes bugged out of his head, and we started to talk about a one-night trip, instead.  The ferry and the hotel together would cost about the same as a nice dinner out in Boston – we can swing that.  No problem.  My mom had even offered to give us a night at the Inn as David’s birthday present, so we could do it.  And we’ll both get jobs, and we do have savings, and okay okay okay.

So we pulled the trigger on a Sunday – Monday trip.  It didn’t take long after that for us to say “oh what the hell” and put Saturday night back into the equation.

[Then, after making the decision, I got an unexpected $500 profit sharing sort of payment thing from my firm, and it definitely helped make this more reasonable.]

And I guess I’ll have to blog about the actual trip in a separate post, since this is already a novel.  Preview:  It Was Awesome.

My goals were modest:

• Make my bed every day
• Catch up and keep up with my laundry
• Run 5 days/week
• Lose 2-6 pounds

I came closest to keeping the running goal.  I think I did hit 5 days most weeks, and dropped to 4 once or twice.  Not so bad.  I did get to the point where I can round the reservoir (about a mile) without walking breaks.

I did not lose 2-6 pounds. I held steady.

I made my bed every day for 2 weeks.  And it was lovely.  It worked to keep the whole room cleaner, through the power of suggestion, and to keep the sheets and blankies at their maximum comfort level every day.  But then David was sick, and I started staying in bed more once my interviews wound down, and the bed was overlooked.  I’m putting it on February’s list.

I got my laundry better under control.  I got rid of some of the backlog (sheets, blankets, summer clothes that have been waiting so they could be put away), and my general pile is smaller.  But I did not “catch up.”

I am not going to take this first outing’s failure as a reason to stop the exercise.  No.  I’m going to look at this last month, and the craziness it brought to my life, and I’m going to say “fair effort,” especially considering the lack of a routine and the weirdness brought to life because of interviewing and job hunting and stuff like that.

So, on to February:

• I will lose 2-6 pounds.  I will keep my fitness momentum from January, but now I’m going to focus on eating better.  I will start with looking for healthier lunches.  (Which will tie in with my budget revisions, since lunches out aren’t gonna cut it anymore.)
• I will make my bed every day.
• I will buy (and therefore drink) less wine.  This merges the health and the budget.  Less calories, less money. So my plan is to buy a bottle on Fridays, and that’s it.
• I will really catch up with laundry.

Let’s see how it goes this time.

moving on . . . 

The Ex and I came to an agreement. I was proud of that.  It’s a good agreement.  It is fair. I could have potentially fought for a small amount additional money, but the increase he was resigned to was so large, and the cost to fight would be more than what I’d gain (financially as well as emotionally).  And like I said, it’s a fair agreement.

I have a 10 a.m. meeting tomorrow at work.  Unusual that I have to be there at a specific time, these days. I will try and put in a solid day, cleaning out files and working on transitioning my pro bono cases (the only ones I have left).  I have doctor appointments with the girls on Tuesday and Thursday (getting all of our check ups out of the way before the insurance change over), and so don’t really plan to go into the office on those days.

And – that’s that!  For now.  I have to go write another post about my failed monthly goals . . . embarrassing !!!

• I’ve accepted the offer from the new job.  Man, does it feel good to know that I have landed without a gap in employment.  Hooray!
• The new job agreed to my starting AFTER February vacation week, so I don’t have to be in stress-mode while Mouse is home from school and her friends are all away. Lemon will be traveling with her crew team, and we are not traveling without her.  We thought about it last February, when it was freaking cold out we didn’t yet know that I’d have this transition forced upon me.  But since today – February 1 – it was 60 degrees outside – we aren’t feeling too bummed about the change in plans.
• The old job owes me 3 weeks’ vacation pay.  I didn’t know that until yesterday.  That will be a nice chunk o’ change. I am seriously considering a late-June re-do of last year’s vacation.  The house itself is very affordable, we will drive rather than fly, and we will all be happy with cooking in the house.  It could be great. It could be perfect.  Just what we need.
• I’m home a lot. I don’t have much work left, and most of what I do have can be done at home.
• When I’m home, I get to hang out with my kids.  And I like them.  And I have fun with them.  I love how much they make me laugh, I love how much they find what room I’m in, and hang out with me.  I love that Lemon came home today and laughed from the door way, yelling (to me), “Honey, I’m hooo-ooooome!” And that she then met me at her sister’s basketball game, and we went out for a sushi “snack” afterwards, chatting all the while.  Where are the nasty teen years?? (Don’t answer that.)
• Mouse had a doctor’s appointment (annual physical) yesterday.  I picked her up early, we went and grabbed some burritos, and then went to talk about how damned healthy, tall, athletic and smart she is.
• My girls are really enjoying each other lately. I may enjoy that more than them enjoying me.
• Tomorrow is mine and David’s 5th wedding anniversary.  When we went away for our birthdays this year, we realized that it was also our 10 year “dating” anniversary.  He got a haircut today, and he looks super-cute.  Also, he probably noticed today at the basketball game that I raided his sock drawer, but he didn’t complain.  He’s a great guy.

Headaches

• I had a 3 day headache.  For real.  Like, my head hurt.  An Advil fixed it, but I had to complain, because it just fits here so well.
• While I had posted previously that the Ex “was less resistant” to the idea of kicking things back to the level they should have been at all along, I was being overly optimistic. We are going back and forth with proposals.  He’s dragged the sharing of travel costs and tax deductions into our discussion, and he pisses me off.  Then he throws in his usual condescending asinine comments (i.e., “I am very sympathetic to the financial and professional difficulties you face at the moment . . . “), and I want to rip his face off.  For reals.  I still think we can reach an agreement, but dealing with his bullshit in the meantime drives me bonkers.
  • I wanted to retort that while I am facing a paycut, it was something I always knew was coming, AND!  Another thing!!  This is not a “professional difficulty,” at all!  This is a very logical and typical move at this stage of my career, and is resulting in increased experience!  You dummy!  Instead, I ignored his blah-blah, and responded only about the issues at hand.  So, ha!  You cannot rattle me!  [except that, really, he did.  because he's a jerk.]
• Also, the Ex just canceled the girls’ summer visit again.  So now David and I will both be working, and I think that the girls will be home.  Without much to do.  Last year, with me making gobs of money, we filled the time with crazy-costly camps (no, really — the girls were in camp with the grand-daughter of the owner of the Patriots, and with the daughter of the owner of Newbury Comics … we paid dearly).  This year, Lemon will likely be looking for someone to pay HER, and Mouse will be, uh . . . .
• Just after I came to terms with my reduced salary, I called the H.R. person at the New Job to find out about health insurance details.  They were bad.  Very bad.  I almost cried.  I didn’t know what to do – I was totally unprepared for the costs.  I know I’ve been spoiled and spoiled and spoiled, but this was a blow.  I have since spoken with some people that tell me that while the number was double what I pay currently, on a salary that’s half of what I currently have, it’s “normal” and “fair.”  Fortunately, they told me that AFTER I decided to negotiate this point with New Firm.  So, this maybe should be up there in “happiness,” because it looks like there will be movement on the issue.

So, thanks for reading!

I put Lemon behind the wheel of my car.

And, I can honestly say – it was fun!

We found a big empty parking lot – and it was BIG.  So she had a lot of room to maneuver.

At first, she was very, very afraid.  Even the roll that took place when she lifted her foot off the brake was too much for her, and then she would SLAM on the brake, and my head would roll out the window.

So we worked on “getting familiar with the brake.”  I had her just feel it out – I taught her to be the brake whisperer.  To find where it works, and how to get it to smooth out.

Then, once I knew my head would stay attached, we started working on some gentle gas pedal presses.

Yes, it was this slow.

BUT – she got the hang of it pretty quick once she got over those initial fears.  She liked parking.  She struggled with figuring out which way to turn the wheel while in reverse (as do I – still).   She loved U-turns.

While it wasn’t my initial intent, she did well enough that I offered to let her drive on the street.  Just a quick right turn on, right turn off.  She took me up on it (I didn’t think she would).  There was no real risk in the exercise, but she did get herself initiated at being honked at.  So, that was fun.  :)

Even that quick blip on the road showed me, though, that while I may think it’s fun in an empty parking lot – teaching her with other cars around will be very, very difficult.  I wasn’t panicky or anxious at all in the parking lot, but with cars honking, and chances of her rolling into the street without looking – the tension went sky high.  I wasn’t yelling or anything, I just saw that maybe – just maybe – I shouldn’t be the one to take her on the road.

She thinks she is going to be a very safe driver.  She loves rules, and thinks they are made to be followed, not bent or stretched.  As in, “Mom, you are going 36 mph, but the speed limit is 30.”  [Insert maternal eye roll.]  And then things like, “well, one thing that just taught me – people who text while driving are INSANE.  Or Stupid.  Or Both.”

Love my girl.

But my 10 am “informational” interview felt more like a real interview, and then I checked in with a friend who works at that firm for a while.  He ended up being close with one of the associates at the offer firm, so he put us in touch to chat.

I went home, spoke to this associate for an hour, and then called next week’s firm to see if I could move things up, and then had real work to do, and then decided to engage in negotiations with the ex to get child support up to snuff. Then I freaked out, a la paycheck calculator.

Here are some of the results:

• Associate at offer firm gave a very nice and candid view of the firm. I ended up even more excited to work there. It was good.
• Next week’s interview can’t be moved up: the firm is in talks with a senior person to come in as a partner. They were thinking if he does come in, they’d bring me in as a junior person to support him. But timing can’t be rushed, and the area isn’t my first choice (and isn’t – really – what my resume indicates I would do, so …. ????). I’m keeping the Thursday lunch on the Calendar for the sake of the “longer view.” it’s not going to be an option for me right now.
• The Ex was less resistant than I anticipated. I’d done a good job for the past year or so in prepping him for the reality that I would not be at big firm forever, and therefore wouldn’t be able to continue to discount child support forever. I think we can avoid court.
• But the paycheck calculator was mean to me. 

This will not be easy. I’m nowhere near having to make huge changes, like moving out of my house or selling my car, but the series of little changes are going to hurt. 

A friend joked today, “you won’t be able to run out and get the newest iPhone and iPad anymore!” not that I’d need a new iPad. Mine is great. But if the iPhone 5 comes out ….  

No, seriously. The clothes budget will be an issue, the food budget will be affected. Things like $200 athletic fees for sports will start to hurt. 

We like Calistoga Springs sparkling water, the orange flavor. David tends to buy a case of it now and again, bc it’s cheaper by the case. I was having a glass last night, and wondered “can we keep buying this?” I asked him how much it was, and he really didn’t know. “do you think we will have to look at things that closely?” he asked.  Yes. Yes, I do.

I may need to have Lemon quit her voice lessons.

And the  there’s my other hold out – Third to house and car – the housecleaners. A $200/month expense that I just can’t imagine giving up. I’d rather cancel cable. Having a lower income doesn’t mean I have a lesser job. (Odd as that may be, but the reality when you start out in BigLaw). I don’t have any more time to scrub and polish. The housecleaners don’t tidy – they keep up with the floors, the bathrooms, the dust bunnies under the radiators. And they force us (because all of our personalities require force) to keep up with our personal messes on a twice-monthly basis, so the dust and grime underneath the clutter can be addressed.

Before we had them, I was a sad lady. A mad lady. Weekends were unhappy times because I was resentful that I spent the week working and then the weekend cleaning. So maybe I’d sit on the couch and pout, instead of cleaning, and things were yucky. Then we’d plan to have friends over, and I’d have no choice but to tackle the weeks’ (or months’) worth of grime, and I’d go on a rampage. Cleaning and bitching would go hand-in-hand. I would, essentially, turn into my mother. And like the generations before them, my kids and husband would hide in corners somewhere or leave the house. 

I can’t think of anything other than these housecleaners that has increased the quality of my life to this degree.  Maybe my iPhone. Maybe – but it may have detracted, really, because of the, well, distraction.

So I will tenaciously hold on.

And we will tighten the belts and see how it feels.

And David is still on the job market. It was easier for me because the legal market here is picking up, but other markets are still slow.  I also am currently employed, and he, in contrast, has been managing the home for the past 5-6 years. He got a masters in that time, too, but even that is somewhat in the past. And in the time that he’s been looking, he kinda caught pneumonia – so, things have been slower.

Once he’s settled, I think we will be even closer to ok. 

And so – there I am. Freaking out, but still optimistic. Could be worse, right?

I could have to move … And I do not.