September 17, 2010

I am callin’ it.  Uncleuncleuncle.

I knew when I went to law school that there would be Times.  Times that I had to work, times that life would be tough.

I knew I’d be a litigator, so – really – I’d have to be doing something *wrong* for it not to happen, at some point.

And it took a solid 3 years.

But now I’m in trial.

And dear Jesus God of all that sucks.  This sucks. [for context – I’m 2 weeks in, and if a miracle happens, this is the mid-way point.]

Days upon days of 14 hours of billable hours.  Of getting home well after dinner (thank you, Firm, for providing free dinner after 7:30.  Not-Thank-You for making me BE THERE in order to eat it).  Days upon days of less than 12 hours (“a mathematical certainty,” I suppose) turn around in the house.

It’s the SAME two weeks that is the girls’ start of the school year.  Still wonder why I’m crying uncle?

The other day, I walked to work talking to myself the entire time.  I pretended I won the lottery.*  And then, I pretended I quit my job.  Then, I pretended that the World’s Best Across the Street Neighbor (who in not-pretend world really lives across the street from me) said, “Suzie!  What are you doing home??!” and then I pretended that I said, “oh, I quit my job!” and then I pretended that she said, “oh! [and I also pretended that she was a little confused, not understanding how I could afford to quit my job], so what are you doing now?”  Guess what I pretended I said?

No – really.

In my pretend world, I had 30 million dollars.  And I quit my 14 hour day job that ends up being 16 hours when you think about riding Boston’s accursed T system.

So guess what I pretended that I said?

“I’m cleaning my house.”

And honestly … that was my fantasy.

No laundry turning into a living, breathing creature in the master bath.  No dust bunnies in ever  corner.  No cat hair on the stairs.  No dust bunnies in the hall.

A dream.  One that requires lots and lots and lots of money.

Actually … I can’t write anymore.

I need to go cry, now.

*”You can’t win if you don’t play”:  Look.  With all but one of my closest friends (who I married, and have sex with), I don’t admit this.  But I play the lottery.  I buy tickets.  Sometimes compulsively – depending on the misery that surrounds me.  I buy tickets for one of the multi-state games, every single draw.  But never a scratch ticket.  Because that would be tacky.  and maybe even “trashy.”  But I buy the other kind.  I’m super-shady about it.  I look over my shoulders … worried someone I know will see me.  I plot where I will buy, depending on whether someone I know may or may not be there.  I won’t buy them if I’m commuting during rush hour, becuase what if someone I know comes in during the transaction?  I’d be devastated.  Once, WD and I were in Stop & Shop – where they sell tickets – and I would not buy them, because someone I knew came in.  He was not-really-laughing at me, as I insisted that I could NOT buy them there.  I NEEDED him to drive me to the 7-11 down the road after we bought the groceries.

Wanna know what else?  I won once.  Not millions, but $10,000.  It was so awesome.  And maybe I should have concluded that I used up all of my luck – all of the chances that the odds would be in my favor.  But instead, I concluded that there is Still Hope.  Hope that I can own a home in this Fucking Expensive Town.  Hope that we can have a house on that island over there off  the coast of this state.  Hope that we can show these girls Paris before they are married with kids of their own. And – oh yeah – Hope that we can pay for their college.

I already did the other aspects of the American Dream.  I grew up, I was the first in my family to go to college.  Then I took a leap of faith, and after 10 years post-college, I went to law school.

And it’s not even that my story ended with, “But then I couldn’t get a job, and now I’m struggling.”


I got a job!

I work in a Top 10 Law Firm.

And still … I need the Hope of 1 in 100,000,000 odds to make me think I can pay for my kids’ college.



One comment

  1. I love that you are fantasizing about cleaning house! Last week I was almost wishing for flu so that I would have an excuse to stay in bed all day.

    It would be so hard to be in trial at the very beginning of the school year–especially with the start of HS (is that right, or did I just make that up?)

    I hope your trial goes well, that you get a reprieve when it’s all over, and that your family forgives your absence in the meantime.

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