Struggling to Maintain Civility & Dignity.

May 9, 2011

So, the Ex and I have been exchanging some emails.  We had our initial confrontation, he didn’t deny lying to me, seemed to acknowledge that some increase would be forthcoming, but still said, “suck it,” essentially.

I stayed in my paralyzed funk for a bit (a week?), and then I wrote him to request his last 2 years’ tax returns.  He waited a day or so and wrote me to say “of course” I’ll agree to him redacting his wife’s income & assets.  I said no, I do not agree.  Definitely not on the income (because if she’s making a decent income, I’ll feel less guilty about the whole thing, not because her income would increase his child support owed), and the only way he can redact her property is if there’s a prenup.  Because otherwise, it’s his property, too.  (Which also doesn’t affect child support #s, as far as I know, but again, will make me feel less like an ogre.)

Then he said he had more to “disclose,” in the way of additional income.  From what I can gather based on his cryptic statements, it’s $20-$30K of additional income, each summer, for at least the last 2 years.  He says he will not agree to any arrangement that factors in that money because it’s summer income, gained through competitive applications, and there is no guarantee he’ll get it again.

But I’ve since asked him FOUR times if he’s getting it again this summer, and he’s ignoring the question.

I’ve also called a lawyer.  She’s going to get back to me.  I will use her to help me set reasonable expectations in the first instance.  And then, if negotiations break down, I’ll have her file the necessary papers.

With the Ex’s resignation that some sort of increase is imminent, I am thinking we can potentially resolve this without going all the way to a legal dispute.  Since the first day, even with the disagreements, we haven’t been “fighting,” and have been carrying on concurrent conversations about potential visits with the girls this summer and about braces, and other little things we need to interact about.  Without arguing.  Cooperating, even.

It’s really been fine.

What I’m thinking is that any increase that we end up implementing (voluntary or otherwise), will go directly into a college savings fund.  I will even let him make the deposits himself.  I am not trying to get myself extra spending money – I am trying to secure the girls’ future as much as I can.  Even if we do set this up as I envision it, he’ll be putting 1/3 the amount away for their college that I am.  Or maybe 1/4th.  But I will not complain too much, because I hadn’t thought this much would be happening.  I guess in some ways, despite the conflict that results, this whole thing still provides me with an unexpected and pleasant benefit.

At the same time, I asked him to contribute to their summer activities.  He said he’ll “have to think about it.”  I’m sure he’ll come down on the side of “no.” But I thought I’d put it out there.  I really am shelling out obnoxious #s of thousands to keep these girls engaged this summer.  Just when I thought I’d finally squeezed every ounce of blood from every stone to get things covered, Lemon came home with info on a Crew program for another $2K.  Jesus.



  1. Good for you. You are not the bad guy for insisting that your girls’ father step up.

  2. […] I met with a family law lawyer yesterday about my own struggles.  It went well.  I think even if the Ex and I are able to come to an agreement without the need […]

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